Hello, my name is hope…

They say most adults reach a financial breaking point in their lives and live paycheck to paycheck or direct deposit to direct deposit haha, don’t feel ashamed if your in that period right now, I am currently living in it too. Based on multiple studies, 31 seems to be the age for high debt loads incurred during events such as; buying a house, getting married, job loss, illness, death or having a child or children.

I had a minor meltdown the other day (my husband might say otherwise, he was at the other end of my meltdown.) I had an overwhelming feeling that we would always be in debt and it was really bothering me, I felt a sinking feeling of despair and utter helplessness. He kept telling me not to worry, everything would work out and that I worry to much. My emotions were telling me otherwise, I could not control my insecurities regarding our financial situation.

Ive found myself struggling with bouts of depression lately, more then usual. I have always suffered with the illness but I was never diagnosed until I was pregnant with my second child. At times, I find it crippling and unbearable. Every thought, action and emotion are intensified and cause feelings of sadness, despair and loss of interest in activities I love doing and I find myself avoiding people. At the moment I can still function and continue doing my daily routine, but by the end of the day my energy is gone and all I want to do it crawl in my bed. I do not want to get to the point of requiring medication like in the past, but asking for help has never been my strong suit but I am working on it. By far, my biggest downfall is being a people pleaser and never saying no.

During the past two years there has been many hurdles placed in our paths that have led us in disarray. My husband lost his job and is earning far less and has had to be away from home, he is home maybe 4 days a month. This has put a financial and emotional strain on our relationship, I spend all week alone with the kids while having to work a full time job and maintaining our home, our three rentals and having my father’s mental health relapse and spend the last 3 months in the hospital. But, as hard as it has been we have made it work because we have people who depend on us and we hope that he will eventually find a higher paying job that would allow him to be home more frequently and be more suitable for our family.

I also lost my best friend during this time, she was like a sister to me. I still remember the day of the accident… I was in shock and all I could think about was being there for her mother and fiance. It happened so quickly, and I spent the Thursday and  Friday with her mother. She was trying to honor her daughter by planning a beautiful memorial with her daughter’s fiance. The funeral was very emotional, but I felt like we truly honored Tania. Her brother and fiance managed to get the exact suits that were to be worn at their wedding, and the bridesmaids wore the blush color accents. The wedding party walked behind her family during the funeral mass, and all the bridesmaids recited a poem and their own words about her. Afterwards, a women I had not recognized approached me while I was standing outside the church watching my best friends casket being ushered away and she told me she had never seen anyone be as strong as I had been, I gave her a smile, but deep inside I felt myself break into a million tiny pieces onto the steps of the church that day. 

I still remember the night before the funeral, I had welcomed friends, family and anyone attending the funeral into my home. I looked around the room and remember thinking how she managed to make a special connection with every single person in the room and they were all so different from one another. It was her gift. She was kind, funny, thoughtful and her smile could light up the room. I will never forget all the times I spent with her, she thought me forgiveness, empathy, and she saved me from myself. I had contemplated taking my own life during my second pregnancy, but she and my bestfriend Ashten pulled me out if it. If it had not been for them, I would not be here today.

I owe them my life and will be forever grateful for the lessons I have learnt from her during our time spent together. She is honestly the reason why I started sharing my stories and antidotes with everyone, I all of a sudden felt a nudge telling me to start on my journey of self healing by exploring my soul and manifesting my true self by listening and watching to the signs given by our lost loved ones and by the universe.

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The signs are everywhere, we simply have to take the time out of busy days to see or hear them! My favorite sign by far was on the day I was offered a permanent position within the provincial government. I had been applying for years, without any luck. But, on that day I remember driving home from work and seeing two rainbows during a gloomy day and then having a dragonfly land on my hand while fueling my car in late October (we had snow), then hearing our favorite songs on the radio, all in the same day. It was by far the best day in a long time since her passing. 

In retrospect, when I start to think about all the positivity in my life it does help bring peace to my worrisome, depressive mind. Just yesterday, I found myself reading an article posted by a fellow colleague regarding her personal battles with depression and she was very candid with her experiences. I was surprised by all the supportive comments of other colleagues, it gave me perspective and hope. Her words of advice stuck with me; please be kind. It is the simplest, yet most important piece of advice I have ever received. 

Depression hurts, but remember we are never alone. The first step in healing is reaching out.

Tracy

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