Journey of Self-Doubt and Search for Approval…

Ever feel like you’ve questioned yourself or situations you have experienced and went over every detail over and over again?

I have done this multiple times, I have second guessed myself so many times I have lost count. The thing is, following your internal compass isn’t always easy, or obvious.

That gut instinct we feel when we are thinking about a certain person or situation is usually right, so trust it!

I’ve learnt this quickly over the years, so many of us hide behind our misconstrued persona and often times loose our true selves in the process. The image we portray is what society and family would approve, and not necessarily what we believe or represent. Fear kicks in when we experience or observe negative feedback from others, deep down we all want to feel loved and respected. But, the real issue is this; we have no love or respect for ourselves. So how can we offer our love to someone else if we cannot even feel that towards ourself.

Being the bigger person in any situation is often a lonely winding road, because so many of us have not healed and do not even realize our own faults, as much as we would like to point them out or force our views on others, the end game will always be the same; rejection, anger and abandonment.

It is not always the case that those who reject us or are un-supportive mean us harm. It’s often times a reflection of themselves and their experiences with failure. They are simply not ready to make the necessary steps in healing themselves because they are afraid of change, afraid of judgment or simply oblivious of their negative state of mind, body and soul. To heal oneself means facing our fears, doubts, anger and hate in order to begin the healing process. So, it becomes easier to project that negativity onto others rather then dealing with it head on. This is something I have experience firsthand, being the un-supportive sister.

Trauma is one of the main sources of our ego, fears, hate and other negative thoughts we create for ourselves. Trauma is not only derived from poverty, violence, assault or any serious situation, it can come from abandonment issues, sexual identity repression or any other fears put onto ourselves from others. I agree, that a traumatic event will cause doubt and self hate no question. But, hearing those words from those we love the most confirms our worst fears and often creates the vicious self-hate cycle in our mind.

Often those close family members think they are trying to help, by saying things like you shouldn’t waste your time on this, or step back to reality, your a failure or I am thinking about your best interest. But in fact, are the primary cause of all our self-hate, self-sabotaging tendencies and this creates blockades in our minds that prevent us from succeeding. We become so focused on winning their approval that we fail at everything due to unrealistic standards we set for ourselves.

I had recently come across an article relating to trauma and how it is not our fault but healing is our responsibility, that is huge and so true! I’ve learnt over the years I cannot control emotions of others or their actions, (even though I can feel and see their emotions, a gift my father passed down to me). It is not our responsibility to “fix” the broken situations or people around us, we will always end up causing more pain and heartache for ourselves in the process.

It is one of the things I struggle with, being a people pleaser. It is ingrained in my personality, and it isn’t a bad trait, but it has caused me so much grief. I lived for everyone’s approval, I often found myself hyperventilating thinking about letting anyone down, it was a constant and still is a power struggle I faced on a daily basis. This also opened the door for anyone to use and abuse my kindness and willingness to bend over backwards. I have spent so many years hating myself because of how others treated me or had made me feel. When in turn all I needed to do was create healthy boundaries by vocalizing with those who would push my limits.

If we start focusing on “fixing” ourselves and not relying on others for approval, things start to “click” and happiness becomes attainable. True happiness is contagious and one can easily spot the individuals in the room who are the beacons of light, they attract everyone for the right reasons and influence positivity. It is simply amazing to see and feel. Surround yourself with these beacons of light, they will uplift you, help you and will never ask for anything in return because they are fulfilled.

We cannot dwell on trying to fix relationships that are toxic, even if it involves family and means cutting ties. Both parties have to be willing to let go of their egos and want to meet in the middle and fix the situation. It is sad sometimes to see long time relationship end, but until both parties are ready to put their differences aside and truly forgive each other and hear each other out, there isn’t much one can do. Never let anyone prevent you from feeling happiness, life is too short to dwell on such things.

Love Tracy…

Mrs Money Queen