Falling into place…

Lately I’ve been seeing so many synchronizations, one thing after another and on daily basis. Ever since the global pandemic began, I felt an urge to express my artistic abilities. It felt like it was a relentless need surging inside my soul, a cry from deep within shouting;

“f*$% just draw or paint already dammit! What have you been waiting for?”

Looking back at all the years I had not touched a paint brush or charcoal pencil, I had felt utter disappointment and I was resentful. I had stored my abilities in a box after my dreams came crashing down, if I could not attend University and pursue my Bachelors Degree in Fine Arts then I had failed and would again never feel that passion. Or so I thought!

Its really funny how the universe works! She never forgets your dreams, we are often the ones creating blockades in our minds… Its been exactly 16 years since I have felt that artistic passion. I hadn’t realized up until now thanks to a dear friend, that art has been the missing puzzle piece to my life up to this point. She couldn’t have been more right about that!

Relearning a skill you thought you had lost is like riding a bike, a gift is never lost. It is so true, I have never felt more comfortable and the blockades I had created in my mind were finally opened and inspirations came flowing through by finally opening the floodgates in my soul.

“Get in touch with yourself. The fountain of creativity begins with the stream of conscious thought flowing inside you. Open the floodgate and creative ideas come rushing out.”

Nita Leland

Soul-working has taken me on quite the journey thus far, I could have never envisioned a few years ago that I would be thriving in my element. Hell, I could have never dreamt of this day to finally come true, teaching art! In my mind, achieving this meant teaching at a University level to be considered a quote on quote Art Teacher. When I stop and think about it, I had wanted to prove my Art Teacher wrong and only focused on a linear way of going about it. I remember the day vividly, I was prepping my portfolio for the big day; the interview at University of Ottawa for the Fine Arts Program. They accepted only 25 students per year in that particular program, I wanted that spot! I had to prepare my portfolio and submit a letter of recommendation. My art teacher at the time said I was wasting my time and should not pursue this dream. She felt like had she been in my shoes she would have chosen a different route. But, I was filled with determination and passion, nothing could ever stop me now.

The day had finally came! The interview, I was sooo nervous and I could feel my stomach churn and twist into several knots. I had worked overtime at the local grocery store to pay for my bus ride ticket to Ottawa. It was spring time, and I had stayed at my boyfriend’s place the night before. I had been feeling so anxious that I had a emotional breakdown the night beforehand and woken up with puffy eyes, but I cleaned myself up and took the city bus, portfolio in hand and heart beating out of my chest. Walking up those steps, I felt my knees buckle and my palms began to sweat. I looked back at my boyfriend and our friend and they waved, smiled and mouthed good luck.

As I entered the waiting room, I gazed around and seen other potential candidates sitting quietly waiting for their turn. I sat and began inspecting the other candidates emotional and physical demeanor, I have a knack of reading peoples emotions. I could sense a lot of anxiety in the room, but one person in particular remained cool, calm and collected. He sat straight and held his professional looking portfolio by his side, he was not nervous but rather felt exhilaration. He knew he was going to ace this interview and the judges would love him. Sure enough, he walked in with confidence and walked out with a sly grin across his face. I knew then and there he had made the cut. As other candidates came and gone, the room began to empty and my anxiety reached new heights. Eventually, they called me in and I had never felt this anxious in all my life. It all but vanished as I entered the room. The woman waiting for me was dressed elegantly, at first glance she would seem very hard press for time and did not seem to care much for anything. Looks can be deceiving, I instantly felt relief as soon as I placed all my art pieces on the table for her to inspect. I could feel her curiosity levels peak and I knew I had her hook, line and sinker so to speak. She asked all the questions she was required, and then followed up by more personalized inquiries. I felt like she viewed me as the underdog and that despite all my past negative experiences I still had all this passion flowing inside of me, she was astounded. I was proud of my accomplishments and no matter what their answer was going to be, I was never going to forget this moment. The look of amazement one can have by your gift, its simply an amazing feeling.

A month or so had passed and I finally received the letter, my fate was sealed in that envelope. I wanted to scream, but I quietly sat and began opening the envelope. As I unfolded the letter and began to read, you have been accepted… I had never felt more proud of myself. But, as fate would have it; the universe had other plans and my soul would be tested again and again. After being kicked out and having no other living arrangements two weeks prior to the first semester, I felt like I had no choice but to move back home and regroup.

In my mind, my dreams had been taken from me and I thought I would eventually get back into my art, but every time I tried… My heart began to break and all I could feel was hatred. That was the last feeling I wanted to associate with my passion; art… So I just blocked out my passion, pushed down my feelings and hid behind a mask, I would never let anyone hurt me again, even if it meant no longer pursuing my dream. It was my way of protecting my heart. But little did I know, all I was doing was throwing away the missing puzzle piece. Only to be found many years later in the best possible way.

To think that unraveling and writing down in a blog all my thoughts/emotions I had pushed down for most of my adult life would eventually help me in finding that missing puzzle piece; my artistic gift.

All I can say is never give up on yourself, the universe finds a way in helping you learn the lessons required for you to truly become the person you’ve always dreamt. I often catch myself smiling at how everything has unraveled so far. Your guardian angels and guides are always there for you, when you least expect it. They sometimes kick up the signs a few notches if your blind like me, haha!

Love Tracy

Leave a Reply